Fallen Woman

I have a great talent that really I need to share. I know that people are supposed to be modest and all that, but it is time to be honest instead. I have a great talent for falling over. There is nothing I need to do to achieve that, it just happens to me naturally. I don't need to go out and take risks or do dangerous things, I don't need to get drunk first or keep my eyes closed, I can do it just like that, no problem. And I can do it in a spectacular way.

My most recent major achievement was on board the ship just 6 weeks ago. This ship has various decks, the main deck is where all the cabins are, the galley, a lounge and a long corridor. In this corridor are hatches that provide access to the dungeons below. Yes, you can guess, at one point one of the hatches was open, the one leading down to the water maker. I was talking to someone in the lounge, looking back while heading down into the corridor, and headed down into the big hole instead. It is one of those experiences you don't realise you are going through, until it's over. One moment I was standing in the lounge, the next I was dangling in this gap. I was lucky this time, my left shinbone landed on the little stepladder, my right thigh got stuck on the edge. I remember just sitting there, not really realising what had just happened and where I was. That lasted a moment, then people around me started to react, while I just sat there. And then I got up, walked out and went on to do the things I needed to do at that point. About fifteen minutes later I checked my leg and saw a huge bump on my shin bone, and that shook me. The doctor put some ice on it, and only then I almost fainted, sitting on deck. I guess delayed shock. I am still reminded of that fall, because now, six weeks later, there still is a bump on my shin, the wound hasn't healed completely and my thigh still looks blue and it keeps itching. It's not that bad, and I do realise it could have been a lot worse and that in a way I was lucky, but it does make you think.

I have a pretty good history of falling over, though I usually do a much better job of it on a bicycle. I can remember quite a few incidents happening over the years. I can remember cycling to school every day and regularly falling off my bike. I once thought I could just make the traffic light, so I accelerated a little. What I didn't expect was the two people in front of me stopping when the light turned orange. I knew what was going to happen, and it felt like a film shown in slow motion, but I was heading straight for them. I remember hitting them, and falling down and I remember wishing them a good morning lying there on the street.

Another time I still remember was just on the other side of the bridge, when my wheel got stuck in the tram tracks. I very slowly started to keel over until I finally landed on the ground. These were the slow falls, the ones where you know what is going to happen and you consciously experience falling down. The ones where you know what is happening, you know you don't want it to happen, but there just isn't anything you can do about it.

Then I remember the times it all happened so fast I just found myself on the floor without having experienced the fall itself. I once cycled home from work at the beginning of winter, crossed the white of a zebra crossing while turning a corner, and suddenly found myself on the ground. Then there was the time I ignored a red light, checked for traffic from my left, but didn't check my right. This still is Amsterdam, so another cyclist hit me from the right cycling in the wrong direction so I didn't expect her. I guess it was both of us breaking the rules, but I remember this girl started yelling at me. And this again happened without me realising what happened until I was on the street. And once in winter cycling on the Apollolaan, turning a corner just opposite the Hilton hotel en finding myself on the floor again. My darling partner told me not to make a fuss, to get up so we could continue on our way to the Naardermeer, but I couldn't get up. A very nice passer-by helped me up, and got me a taxi and that is how I got home. I hurt my arm quite badly and needed help getting dressed for a while. But I think that is the worst that has happened so I'm not complaining really.